Wednesday, February 09, 2005

'Tech Support' Such a Lofty Name for What You Get

I had to call tech support about my Netgear wireless router that died, needless to say it was a nightmare. I wanted to offer some Insider Tech Support Tips for the ‘Dazed and Confused’. C’mon you know who you are. The poor souls that call Tech support actually expecting some help, yet are left feeling dazed and confused asking yourself questions like, “What did he say or how does that help me?” or “Did he say please hold or please hang up?”

See, I was once a sinner and worked for Tech Support. There are a few things every caller (victim) needs to know. First, the ‘Technician’ you’re talking to was in high school last week, flunked his Computer class the week before, and will probably flunk his urine test next week. You want to hate him but it’s not his fault because he is only doing what he was trained to do. Training consists of two major points. You must keep your call time down and know how to say, “We Don’t Support That”. As long as you know these two things you are bound for upper level management in cubicle land. Last of all every victim must know how to recognize a ‘Hoser’. This is an abbreviated tech support term for a ‘Hose and closer’. You can’t blame these people either; they have no soul and therefore can’t be held responsible for their crimes against humanity. They believe their job is to get you off their phone in .0013 seconds. They have no intention of helping you. They can easily be recognized by the way they blend their greeting into one long unintelligible word or immediately after the greeting before you even talk they tell you that your product is not supported. If you get a ‘Hoser’ just hang up and call back until you get someone you can understand. It sounds crazy but even if you have to do this 6 times to get a real Technician you will walk away a happier saner person. If all else fails just keep asking for managers until they give you something cool for free.


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