Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Wanted: A Wife That Won’t Hate Me

I have spent my very short life trying to figure out what it means to be a Man and what Life is about. I have come to some conclusions but do not claim to be any kind of expert. One thing that has become very plain to me is that I may know a little about these other subjects but I know very little about the Ladies.

I can’t seem to figure a few things out.

Girls nowadays are taught to be independent to survive on their own. Yet somehow, they are supposed to get married some day. Most women say a guy is supposed to be a leader but they are raised to not follow a leader. They are raised to survive on their own. If you lead you’re sexist if you don’t you’re spineless.

Girls are taught that they don’t need a guy. I am no supporter of the barefoot and pregnant wife in the kitchen scenario but I do believe a Girl needs a guy like a guy needs a girl. Why does a guy’s protection or provision invalidate a man and woman’s equality? I don’t think that it does but I have met many people that do.

Studies have shown that dual income families are usually loosing money or breaking even with all the extra expenses. Studies have also shown that dual income families lack a lot of necessary parenting. I don’t want daycare to raise my kids. I understand that with lots of people, they have no choice, but I am just in the planning and thinking stage. The problem is everyone says it is sexist to want a wife that stays home. On the other hand, if you let your wife work and you are a stay home dad you are also a looser. How can you win?

Studies from around the 1940’s said the biggest problems in school was chewing gum and talking now it is drugs, violent crimes, and teen pregnancy. This seems to be a direct result of the breakdown in modern day families. The biggest difference between now and then is that women work now. Once again we are faced with the dilemma, if you say women shouldn’t work you’re sexist and wrong.

I don’t get it, there has to be a balance. There has to be a way for a woman to realize that whether she is working a highly paid and respected job or staying home with kids that both jobs are just as important. Why do women feel that taking care of kids doesn’t count? I had four brothers and sisters and I think my mom had one of the hardest most respected jobs in the world.

Is independence really a value we should be teaching anyone? We are after all, people on this earth living together. The only way to improve this world seems to be through relationship and love. How does independence factor into that?

Am I saying that women shouldn’t work…? No. Am I saying women should have to rely on a man for everything…? No. I just know that I want to have a family… not an independent wife, an out of touch dad, and 2.5 independent kids. How do you do this now days without violating somebody’s rights. Why does it seem like in order to respect a woman I can't have anything to offer her?

26 comments:

LiVEwiRe said...

You make so many valid points. The balance you seek should be here somewhere, but I don't think anyone wants to admit that he/she cannot do it all and be it all. Unfortunately, there is a high price to pay for that imbalance. I suppose this is where love conquering all comes in, but I cannot say for sure. I like the way your mind works.

Tristan said...

Hi,

I found your blog through Lozza's. There's a book called "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge.

It's a Christian book that I've just read that I've really thought is brilliant. I haven't read enough of your blog to know if you're a Christian or not, but I think it would raise some interesting thoughts along the same lines as this post no matter what your faith :)

Take care,

Tris

tomoko said...

read the book of joshua harris..."When Boy Meets Girl".
As a girl... my viewpoint is this: "Nowadays it's nice to have a man whom you can follow."
God bless you in Jesus name!:)

Anonymous said...

Hey Cure, excellent post....I also want to find that woman, to have an to hold forever. I've known girls that will get pissed off if you open their door, or try and pay for dinner. They make sure too let me know they can get the door, or they can pay because they have a job and they make money too. Is that really the point? Oh, and for all you guys that don't open doors for women should be ashamed, and it should be done from respect and consideration, not because you "have too". I want a woman who walks beside me, and not behind me, but God gave us our duties, and no matter what anyone says, men and women are different.....if you don't think so, open your eyes. Its funny, because the Bible talks of this happening with women....read Isaiah Chapters 3 and 4. Check it out in Chapt. 4 verse 1...."and in that day SEVEN women shall take hold of ONE man, saying, "We will eat OUR own food and wear OUR own apparel; only let us be called by your name to take away OUR reproach." Women want their independence, but they still will desire the attention of a man...why? I think this goes back to men not stepping up and being men....instead our culture has trained us to stay boys and not accept responsibility, to not be a provider, except for ourselves. Cure, have you ever read Proverbs 31: 10-31? That's the kinda woman I am talking about. Thanks for the post.

devastated said...

amazing.

you're devastated, in general. i thought i had the monopoly on that.

at the risk of sounding old fashioned, i completely get you. it brings in the difference between "equality" and "feminism." i'm not a feminist. i'm into equality. and i'm a woman.

men and women are different. that is not bad or good, it just is. we have breasts, men have penises. we have different hormones. different thought processes. different ways of dealing with situations. we're just different.

now, having said that, let me say this:

i am an independent woman. i am strong, i stand alone. i have a job, i have my own place, i am responsible for myself financially. i make my own decisions. i don't need a guy to take care of me in that sense. but i do need someone to come home with. i do need someone to cook for, who will cook for me. someone to share my life with, who will care about every stupid little thing, and notice me.

independance does not mean isolation, you know. it means being able to stand on your own, even if you don't want to or have to. even the most independent woman in the world will want to be loved.

and, the whole open the door thing... i see it as a respectful thing. a considerate one.

A. R. said...

I am no expert either, although I am a dad (my wife says I'm a good one). I call this move for independence bullshit. You want to be independent and subsist entirely by your own will and means? Fine. Go live as a hermit in a cave in a remote mountain. Don't bother society with your self-engrandizing independence. The individual is nothing without the support, care, and interdependence provided by humanity as a whole (and humanity is nothing without the love of God). Adam and Eve decided they wanted independence and look where it got them. Independence breeds separation, a "Me first" attitude, and a lessening of one's respect for others. I have heard from some very prominent theologians who believe that there is no salvation without corporate salvation. Why did Jesus teach the disciples to pray "Our Father..." instead of "My Father..."? I don't want a wife that doesn't need me. Why would she want to stay married if she is able to be 100% independent? There are statistics that indicate that the higher a woman's salary, the less likely she is to get or stay married. Contrary to popular opinion, marriage is a good thing. It provides stability. It allows two people to make a lifelong commitment to breaking down personal barriers that prevent us from truly knowing and understanding another human being. Widows shouldn't have to learn how to support themselves. That is the responsibility of the Church. Divorcing is a sin and therefore there are no provisions made for divorced women mentioned in Scripture. I may come across as hard core, extremist, or "fundamental," but I believe our society has, for too long, bought into too many lies about relationships, self-worth, "independence." True independence, as out culture and the liberal movement defines it, would lead to anarchy, "anything goes", and a complete disappearance of personal and corporate responsibility.

Getting somewhat back on topic, my wife and I agreed that she would be the mother of our children from day one. Is it easy? No. Is it rewarding? Moreso than you can imagine. Do I want someone else who is maybe getting paid more than minimum wage teaching my kids how to get along in life? Hell no! That is the responsibility of the parents. We don't need more after school programs, remedial schools, youth sports leagues and juvenile detention centers. We need more parents! Raise your kids!

And no, Hillary Clinton, it does not take a village (you socialist idealist, you). It takes a strong, intelligent, creative mother, and a strong, intelligent, hard-working father neither one who is afraid to punish their children (with, God-forbid, a good solid spanking every once in awhile) when their kids do something wrong.

Anonymous said...

Devestated.....what you have written, that is very honorable. Being responsible and making the effort to not be a bum. I think a good woman is wise, she is strong, assertive, she is a gift. She is nurturing, loving and kind. She isn't afraid to speak the truth but is respectful as well to her husband, in a sense submissive. If he is a real man an not some egotistical macho man, he will love her and respect her as well. When a true woman speaks, she speaks wisdom and she says kind words....she walks with her man, not behind him. I just think that we all want to be our own bosses, our own Gods....nobody wants anyone telling us what to do....nobody wants to submit. Okay, nobody is a very broad term, but a lot of people, including myself, are this way. I am a christian, and I know its only through Christ working in me that makes me want to love and do good to other people because He first loved me. Not on my own strength. Its Christ that aloows me to love and be submissive when the time is appropoiate, and His Spirit shows me the right way, as long as I am seeking and searching for God more and more....when I quit that, I am on my own time, schedule and rules, which ultimatley lead me to destruction....ie, being arrogant, egotistical, prideful....evil. Whatever it is. Once again, this comes to the conclusion, that if we all decide what is right and wrong for ourselves, then nobody can really be wrong. I sin everyday! I have terrible thoughts everyday! Who can save me? Not me, for certain. Men being weak, and selfish and prideful, I think ultimatly we say to women, "its okay to be independent and pissed at us, cause we are doing are own deal, following our own interests, not looking at anyone elses interests....not respecting our fellow men and women.....but thats a whole different story.....cause I think America is kinda into not stepping onto others feet, not hurting anyones feelings, ohhh. Cure, you outha' write one on that.

chris said...

My thoughts...

My wife and I had this read at our wedding and we try to apply it to our marrige;

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet : On Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

moofruot said...

What I've learned, like you Cure, is that women and men are equal in the sense that they need each other. But the whole movement that has led to this "Independent Woman" I now feel pressured to be is flawed. Living a fulfilled life is not about independence at all: it's about interdependence. I agree 100% with Devastated, that each person - man or woman - should strive to stand on his or her own.

Beyond that, having someone in your life who can complement you is what's important - someone who you can trust and love, and who will reciprocate equally this trust and love. The "roles" don't matter: If I'm good at shoveling snow, and he's good at cooking, then I'll shovel the snow at night and he'll cook us dinner. The whole idea of these stereotyped gender roles are not what love and family is about. The roles aren't even fair, especially today since women pretty much need to be working in order to provide for the family, but are also expected to do everything else that comes with being a woman. This is where the inequality lies, in my opinion.

What we did in my family, to comment on the "daycare" issue, is go to my grandparents' house after school as opposed to having a stranger watch us. My mom even planned to send us to a school which was close to my grandparents purposely. Then, she picked us up an hour or two after she was done work, and we'd go home and eat as a family. I had an ideal childhood - where family support was huge, and we were all interdependent on each other: this is the way it should be, but it's not how it is, and I know that my family is rare. But I also know that it's not impossible to reach this ideal since I lived it, and a woman can balance a career and family quite successfully as my mom did - with the right man by her side.

But both my parents are Libras, so maybe they had an advantage over the typical couple... =P

John said...

Maybe you should rename your blog Cure For The Common Wife?

Mari said...

I grew up in the early 70's during the feminist movement. However, I believe it was a revolutionary movement that ended up going a bit too far, in my opinion. My mother was a feminist in that she went to work and made her own money, but her male counterparts were making more for doing the same thing.

I believe in equal rights. It doesn't make us less female or less male. Women will always be women because of what we are born with and the same goes for men. It's understanding each other is what's really important. Values such as marriage have never gone out of style. I think you will find many individuals in your age group still want to marry.

The only difference is that it used to be master and slave disguised as man and wife, now it's husband and wife who work together in partnership, as well as two individuals who love one another and want to share in each other's journies.

Sara said...

As one of those independant girls you speak of, I totally relate to your post. It is confusing to be raised like that. I did live on my own for a few years before I got married to a man who didn't want to do a damn thing and sat on his ass. I guess when you are that independant, that is the kind of guy you get. We got divorced and now I am with a man who is just as confused about our roles as I am. I WISH I could stay home and raise our kids but he expects me to cook and clean and raise the kids and do yard work AND work on top of that. And the part time job I have isn't good enough, he wants me to make as much money as he does! I think most people in my generation are confused about roles in marriage.

A. R. said...

Sara,
Exactly! People are so confused that they don't know what to do. I am all for the sexes understanding each other, but there are certain roles that one can do a whole lot better than the other. If we wanted true equality then we would all be androgenous, mindless drones. Everyone is better at something than someone else around them. Does that make one inferior to the other? No. But we, as a society, place more value on one skill as opposed to another. The fault isn't with the skills; it's with the value that society places on those skills. A mother who knows her children intimately should be just as highly praised as a CEO that runs a Fortune 500 company ( and just as highly paid).

"AG" said...

The problem is everyone says it is sexist to want a wife that stays home. On the other hand, if you let your wife work and you are a stay home dad you are also a looser. How can you win?First off, you don't "let" your wife work. ;) She may choose to work. But to answer your question from my viewpoint, and address the rest of the questions raised in this entry, I've found that it makes sense to not focus on what "society" thinks and expects and channel your energy into finding out what makes sense for you. No matter what your values and views are, there will be people telling you that you are wrong, and other cheering you on.

A healthy marriage is a partnership, and you work out between the two of you who is best at what, and you do it one day at a time, and don't worry about what your neighbors think. There are many wonderful women/girls/ladies out there who are intelligent thinking people who don't fall into a stereotype.

Self-knowledge armed with confidence is your best weapon against mindless roles imposed upon you and others.

JeN said...

Hey, you are not saying that women shouldn´t work,ok, but affirming as well that you dont want daycare to raise your kids...´cause you want a family, right? and that there has to be some kind of balance. But it sounds to me that you´re not even considering men to stay home and take care of the children, so i guess there is some kind of machism left in there. I mean, back in the early 90´s, women used to grow up to be excellent housekeepers and clean , cook, and raise babies, but, come on! we are not there anymore. Women have achieved many great accomplishments in education , business,etc. Its not about one of you staying at home doing the sacrifice, and the other one bringing the bread to the table.You shouldnt we looking for a "great gonna-stay-home mother to be". You should be looking for a "great" girl instead. Face the problems when you have the problems. I guess, as corny as it may sound, you should love lead the way.

Saludos a todos, gente!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

The only place you're going to meet a good girl is at a titty bar.

Sara said...

I won't lie. You've got lots of long comments. And I think I have Adult ADD, so I apologize for not going through them first, and possibly repeating things. I'm a rather independent girl, But my boyfriend and I have talked about this a lot, and we've already both agreed that, if/when the kids come, I'm staying home. And I think that's great. I know I'm smart and could probably get a great job, but you know what? Kids come first. Family comes first. I have no problem giving up career for that. There are other girls like me. They just don't always speak up.

crazytigerrabbitman said...

Luckily, I was blessed with a huge penis and I don't have to worry about these kinds of things.

birdwoman said...

Being a happily married woman who could just as easily stand on her own, let me try to splain something...

it's much nicer to need someone because you choose to need them. Yes, I could provide for our children without my husband. We would survive.

But with him, we are a family. My sons have a father, I have a husband and a partner. We have different roles: I'm the comforter, he's the play mate, I'm the rule maker, he's the nurturer, he cooks, I clean, etc etc.

It may take a bit of imagination, but I think I'm as happy as those of my parents generation ever were. And though I would be devestated if my husband were taken from me, I wouldn't be like the women of yesteryear, dependent on the kindness of relatives and strangers to raise my boys.

(*)>

Suzanne said...

Wonderful post, Cure. You've got some good points and so do your readers.

I think it's important for women and men for that matter, to be able to stand alone and fend for themselves. However, when you enter a relationship, and start a family ...it becomes necessary to talk about how you both feel regarding roles, responsibilities, parenting and so forth, and do what compliments your family. There's no magic formula for everyone, but I do tend to be a tad old fashioned. Family should come first, and I think it's a shame that society has made being a stay at home mother, a less than honorable career. It's hard, valuable work without monetary compensation...and a person's "career" worth, is unfortunately based on how much money they are paid to do it.

N said...

I think it depends on the person in question.

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with both parents working as long as they are able to keep a balance between home and work life, because kids need their parents. It is their responsibility to bring them up, not the nanny's.

If there's no balance then I believe that one of them should either work part-time, from home or be a stay-at-home parent. I think that there is nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home dad; if people think that those dads are 'losers' then they are ignorant, narrow-minded idiots. I also think that there's nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mum - just because you don't work that doesn't mean you're not independant or deprived of your rights, because the toughest job in the world is to raise kids who are polite and respectful and nice in today's world.
Being a parent (and a good one at that) is a full-time job too.

N
http://pwincessdiaries.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

After reading through this anti-daycare website, I can see why The Cure said, "I don’t want daycare to raise my kids."!

Diana Crabtree said...

I think stay at home dads are sizziling hot.

If I made/or make 50K or more a year I would SERIOUSLY love a husband who would stay at home and only work part time or not at all outside the home.

Where did you hear someone call a stay-at-home dad "loser?" I've only heard hubba hubba

Sheri said...

In my house, marriage is usually about 60%/40%. It just depends on the day, who's giving 60% and who's giving 40%. When I was on pregnancy-bedrest for 4 months, my husband handled 95% of the work. Ye gads, I love that man!!

Anonymous said...

Figure it out now. Sometimes it's like roommates w/sex--you wouldn't dream of telling your roommate that he couldn't work, or had to do all the cooking, cleaning,etc.
Everyone should be able to take care of themselves, whether they plan to marry or not.It has nothing to do with the desire to have a relationship. I think it's better to be wanted than needed. You may disagree, but it seems like you're asking yourself all the right questions

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