Wednesday, March 16, 2005

If Your Gonna Jump You Might Want To Look Where Your Gonna Land

There is a fine line between passion and stupidity. Have you ever met someone who has the “Here is my heart please break it” approach to romance? I am a huge advocate of passionate living, fighting for meaning, living the great adventure. However, throwing oneself at everything that stirs your emotions is not the same as passionate living, at least not the way I define it.

There are times in life that require faith and huge risk. Sometimes you just have to jump in not always knowing the outcome. Decisions like this should be based on core beliefs and values. Passionate living seems to be found somewhere in knowing when to do this.

Stupidity however, is modern day dating. I can’t say I have found the perfect alternative yet, but I am trying, yes, searching for the answer. Meeting someone, leading them on, falling for them before you really know who they are and then breaking their heart when you shockingly realize it is not going to work out cannot be the best way. For one, I think it should be a crime that guys are allowed to go around breaking girl’s hearts. Yet on the other hand, the way some girls play guys is downright wicked.

Taking a relationship slow is unheard of now days. Why is trying to get to know someone before you become romantically involved so crazy? It seems to me that most people become romantically involved by the 3rd or 4th date now days if not sooner. You’re telling me you actually think you know that person after three dates! You’re crazy. Why are we surprised when two months later we feel like we had our heart ripped out by someone we thought we loved? Can you really even blame the other person… they were just being who they are. It just hurts you cause they didn't become who you thought they were. There has to be a better way…

I think the answer lies somewhere in taking it slow and actually caring about the other person whether you end up with them or not. You have to set out wanting to protect your heart and the other parties from the beginning. You actually have to be a friend and get to know them, before you charge into a romantic relationship. I have talked to guys before that recently ‘met a girl’.

Me: “So are you guys dating, are you together”.
Boy: “Well, umm, no, I don’t think so, No not yet”.
Me: “Have you kissed her yet”?
Boy: “Well yah, of course”
Me: “but you’re not together”
Boy: “Well I don’t know… but I really like her”
Me: “I bet she is starting to not like you and get a little confused!”
Boy: “Why? I really do like her.”

We need to get a clue! This is not working people, we need to try something different. I am tired of guys leading a girl on and then breaking her heart. I am tired of broken hearts. We actually need to plan a little before we jump, think a little before we pursue love. I don’t think this will steal the passion, I think it could actually enhance it. Imagine knowing someone cared about you enough to protect you before you had a romantic relationship… now that might be someone worth pursuing…

Just a thought.

28 comments:

ruth said...

Agree. In a perfect world it would be *rational* passion. But you show me someone who has not experienced *irrational* passion and I will show you boring bastard ;-)

Aimee said...

Dating is stupidity; you're right. We jump into romantic relationships because there is a need for a great consuming love. We see movies, tv, books, fairy tales containing instant longlasting love. However, we never get past the happy ending because that would be depressing. Who wants to find out Prince Charming doesn't throw his socks in the hamper, and the Damsel can't cook to save her life? Who wants to hear that the happiest kingdom has money problems and have found out kids are HARD to raise? No one wants reality, and no one wants to face life's difficulties.

Pacing yourself in a relationship is perhaps one of the three most difficult things to do in said relationship. Our Hormones and overall stupidity take over and we're swept away in a torrent of "passion". Pacing the relationship doesn't seem to most to allow for passion, but i think in the long run there will be a greater passion in the relationship. It's such a wonderful thought to know that your girlfriend/wife or boyfriend/husband is your best friend and no matter what, you can go to them. You know that the relationship's cornerstone is friendship, and that somehow provides such a comfort.

I think in the early stages of dating people don't mean to hurt others; it just kinda happens. That's no excuse, but it still ocurrs. We're all looking for fast food dating, but very few of us realize that there is another way. I'm also sick of having to watch hearts break, and i'm tired of being lead on. There is another way, but it's work to maintain. We'd have to be honest at all times, willing to gracefully back out of a situation, and most of all to truly care about the other's feelings.

Here's my question, why aren't guys more forthright about their feelings? Like you brought up to that boy... she probably thought he didn't like her, but in fact he did. why don't ya'll tell us how you feel? Not that you have to confess your undying love, but to at least say "hey, i would like to see where this goes..." Sincerity in a guy is completley awesome, and it's one of the quickest ways to a girl's heart.

Enough of me babbling... i hope this makes sense.

Susan L. Prince said...

I won't date someone unless I've learned enough about them to believe that they can be a marriage partner. It's true that through dating something can be discovered that would make us incompatible for marriage and that is when the relationship should end.

I think that it is important to know before one begins dating if this person can even be a potential spouse, and this could be simple stuff, for example: The last guy I dated would get very upset at losing in video games. That was a red flag for me that if he has a temper over a game, what would real life bring on? Also, if the person has significant financial debt...dating is not even an option.

There are some things that are obvious on the surface, other things that take time to discover that they "are not the one".

I won't bother dating someone I don't feel is a potential spouse, and this is usually discovered in the "getting to know you better" phase.

A. R. said...

ruth, irrational passion with a stranger is foolish. I have had moments of irrational passion, but they have been with my wife after we were married. There are other things that are fine to be irrational passionate about like movies and ice cream. Show me someone who is always seeks to experience irrational passion and I will show you someone who is eternally sad and intensely lonely.

chris said...

A.R.,

I would respectfully disagree. Sometimes 'irrational passion' can be a wonderful thing. Sometimes it can help people let go and let them enjoy their bodies together. Some would say there are reasons why an orgasm feels so good.

I once had a moment of 'irrational passion' with a women (and it wasn't my first), I was neither 'sad' nor 'lonely'.

About 3 years later I married that same woman and we've now been married for just over 5 years. Because something does not work for one person does not mean it doesn’t work for anyone else.

The Cure said...

Aimee,

I am a guy and I would have to say guys are scared to say their feelings most of the time due to fear of rejection. I know everyone knows that but that really is one of the biggest issues.

When I meet a girl that is cool it is so hard to know how to handle it. I just want to get to know her before I would pursue anything... if I tell her I just want to be friends she thinks I don't like her. If I spend time with her to get to know her a lot of times it seems like I am leading her on.

I told my friend he was being dumb...I think they are really confusing. I would never kiss a girl unless I had made it clear I was intrusted in her as a spouse.

I guess my question is If I meet a girl randomly and somehow there is some sort of chemistry... like we could maybe be good friends or more...And I just want to be friends for a while to get to know her... why do most girls become insecure and think that you just don't like them? I do like them I just don't know If I want to marry them, I would like to find out if I am getting a new friend or a wife. IT is almost as if you meet a girl outside of your friends, like a random girl you meet at starbucks, and there is no option for friendship, you either date them or never know them.

Man, I think to much sometimes...

Allegro said...

It doesn't have to be all or nothing - in fact I would say by not dating until you know whether someone is marriage material or not is severely limiting yourself and setting yourself up for *big* trouble down the road. There's a lot to be learned by dating Mr/Ms. Right Now while looking for Mr/Ms. Right. There is so much to learn about people and relationships and what you need/want in a significant other that you can't even *begin* to know until you've had some dating experience.

As in most things, it is my opinion that the more experience you get, the more you get to know yourself and how you function in different environments: relationships being one of these. By setting your dating standards so high (marriageable only)you are superficially judging other people. You are also leaving the work of teaching people (how to be partners) to others. Relationship skills are not innate and somewhere people need to learn/be taught these things.

Though I suppose with an attitude such as this you're not necessarily looking to pair up - which is fine. And lucky for those of us who are willing to learn and teach: we have less competition.

Courtney said...

I totally agree. Very cool blog by the way.

Lozza said...

Brilliant post possibly the best I have read in a long time. I think that there is a fear that both men and women suffer from being if I don't snap that other person up then someone else will. Yet if the relationship is based around friendship and true caring before rushing in then it minimises the chance of things ending in tears... Cool post loved it :)

moofruot said...

Irrational passion = lust

Sometimes it's good... sometimes it's fun and lighthearted and there are no strings involved. I think a degree of irrational passion is necessary in any relationship, but as the only element of one, it's not enough.

I'm not necessarily against these sort of "flings", as long as both people know that that's all it is. But most of the time, it doesn't go like that: usually one of the two people are lonely or just craving that natural, physical aspect of love we all need, and gets hurt. I've witnessed this far too many times to think otherwise - with both female and male friends who have gotten burned. There's this misconception that women are more likely to get hurt... not true in my experience.

Cure, thanks for the post.. always thought-provoking. I was actually thinking about this last night, 'cos I spent the evening with one of my best friends, and kept thinking how one day I could really see us together, 'cos we spent a long time getting to know each other. It's really worth it in the end, if for nothing else than a great friendship.

The Cure said...

Moofrout,

Couldn't agree with you more.

Irrational love = lust

I think you are right... I really want to find somebody that loves me, not someone that just lusts after me. I know people that just want other people to lust after them but it usually is just a realtionship where people use each other and could honestly careless about the other person. These kind of relationships are not founded on real love and have a high risk of really hurting one of the people. They just don't seem worth it to me.

Suzanne said...

I'm still giggling from the little video clip of the boy jumping into..the uh...concrete! Bless his little heart! Brilliant visulization for your post! ha ha

mquest said...

You ask “why aren't guys more forthright about their feelings?”
I reply : Because we are guys.
Also some wise person observed we are from Mars.
I might add that we are not made of sugar and spice and everything nice.

sunbather said...

you're so right.

i think the only real way to bring back meaning into dating is if we started looking after the heart of the other person too.

would that we could all do this so easily tho.

The Cure said...

Sunbather,

It is amazing how everything worth doing right seems so hard. But I think the reason it turs out to be right has something to do with what you learn while it is hard.

Mags said...

UGH. I hate dating. Hate it. Hate it. Sometimes it's just easier being alone. I hate all the "rules," the song and dance, which I try not to follow but I get burned anyway.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I gave up rational thought the minute I discovered my pecker.

Deek Deekster said...

some people think using their head in the matter of their passions shows a lack of spontaneity or a coldness, but i think it shows depth and caring.

i like your post a lot. i wrote something along the same lines here.

blogtastic

Raven the Pagan said...

LOL All I can say is Ouch! That hurt just watching.

birdwoman said...

I'm like susan above. When I was in the dating pool, I only ever dated if I thought the person would be a possibility for a marriage partner. I didn't date much, as you can guess. I'm just not one for putting forth effort into dead ends. (On the flip side, I did "hang out" with a lot of people. No romance involved, just fun. It worked for me!)

p.s. this movie makes my legs ache every time it shows the kid skidding on the pavement. Make it stop!

(*)>

N said...

You know what would be more painful? If you cared about someone and they had feelings for someone else and you know it can never happen. That's like a silent heartbreak...

A-Dub said...

awesome post. Dating can be really ridiculous most of the time. I often wonder why people get romantically involved so quickly. And then I'm made to look silly for preferring to take things slow! That's so annoying. I don't date a lot and its mostly because I dont want to get romantically involved and proceed to get my heart broken by someone I barely know and who barely knows me.

devastated said...

where to begin. hm. *clears throat loudly*

first off, cure, i really enjoyed this post. you obviously have thought about it a lot, and there is a lot of food for thought. thank you for sharing that with the world.

second, i think everyone who commented has a point, even the ones with opposing viewpoints.

i am a girl. i used to get the mixed messages thing, and wonder if a guy liked me, and all that garbage, exactly like was described. i blame that on the impatience of youth. there is no way to really elaborate on that, other than to say some people will always see things that way.

i've been through the impulsive dating thing, where you date people with whom you know there is no future. needless to say, nothing lasts there. you get lessons, sure, but the biggest one seems to be that there is no point in dating someone you know is wrong for you.

i've been through the refuse to date until i know i could marry you thing. actually, i still have half a toe in that pool. but what i've learned about that is that you end up ruling out a lot of people for almost no reason at all, based on first impressions.

i say i still have a toe in there because i personally have no interest in dating someone unless i can possibly forsee a future with him. after all, i want to end up married, and i don't want to dick around with a bazillion people before that happens.

that said, it seems to me that the best approach to dating is to just go with what feels right, whether you call it dating, fishing, friendship, whatever. labels come with connotation, so i don't really like them much. it is so rare to find someone you truly feel chemistry with who feels the same way. it is worth exploring. on the flip side, it is always better to find a friend who might end up being a huge part of your life than quickly jump into dating so that you have nothing to fall back on if things don't work out between you.

and isn't it worth it to take things slowly so you can be sure about someone? why is everyone in such a hurry? sex is not that big a deal, you know.

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thebeloved said...

So, yet another few drops in the ocean. Good post. Very few people pay attention. That doesn't mean you won't still get hurt, but the hurt is one that heals better and leaves less bitterness. True love is doing for the other person what is best for them. That means that if you are hoping to have an extended relationship (i.e. marriage) then you need to begin the relationship this way and continue it this way. That means, girls: be patient and protect the guys around you. Guys--protect the girls and don't push physical boundaries. Your job is to protect them from yourself.

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